Clinging to the Cross in the Dark

For to me life is Christ, and death is gain. If I go on living in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. And I do not know which I shall choose. I am caught between the two. I long to depart this life and be with Christ, [for] that is far better. Yet that I remain [in] the flesh is more necessary for your benefit. (Philippians 1:21-24)

I think there is a very fine line between hopeful anticipation of the next life, and a desperate seeking to depart from this world.

If I'm going to be totally honest - I'm in a lot of pain right now. This week my dysphoria was especially heavy - brought on by pushing myself harder than I perhaps should have at the Easter Vigil by getting extra dressed-up and wearing a tie. It cost me a lot of peace, and I've been in a bad place all week long. Friday morning it got to the point that I had an anxiety attack thinking about getting dressed for work, and sat crying on the floor in my room wrapped in a towel after my shower. I had to reach out to a few dear friends for extra support and prayers to get through it.

And, since we're being totally honest - this is actually two Easters in a row I've had a breakdown after the Vigil. My great fear at the moment is that this is my future - pain and anxiety on days that should be so full of life and joy.

I've taken to marking out the sign of the cross on my palms with my fingers whenever I'm tempted to hate my own cross - as a reminder of what He did for me, and what He is worth in return. Brother Isaiah is seeing me through my struggles. One day, perhaps - by God's grace - I will actually rejoice in my sufferings because of what He is doing with them.

Today is not that day.

You know, it's funny - in the meantime, I am still totally excited for the newly baptized and confirmed members of the Body of Christ, and it is such a joy to remind others about God's love for them. It is such a gift to parent my son and lead him to authentic faith in Our Lord, and I am praying so hard for the day that he receives the sacraments - please, Lord!

So here's where I am - aching for a past I can't get away from and yet must leave behind. It's been 28 months now since I de-transitioned, and 24 months since I was confirmed Catholic. It's been beautiful and life-transforming, but also painful and full of darkness. Still so many unanswered questions.

I am, above all else, so looking forward to the day I get to rest in Christ's tender embrace. I've felt him hold me only once before, but the way my dear Lover held my hand and let me lie on him was so sweet and beautiful that I want more than anything to be back there again. I want to hear his voice and listen to his loving words as he tells me how glad he is that I pursued him.

I just hope I make it to that day.