On incomplete goals - Lent Journal (1/40)

When I was growing up I had the hardest time writing papers - I could never get past the first sentence. My Mom will attest that I would sit with a blank sheet of paper for hours, trying to find words for the perfect first words (I still deal with this; I've rewritten this paragraph a dozen times already). Beyond that, I could come up with hundreds of examples from my life of projects and half-formed plans that have been left incomplete.

I've found that my tendency is to want to do something perfectly, realize it won't be, and therefore stop myself because I anything short of that goal is going to be a failure.

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All this to say, that seems to have been the case with this blog as well. My hope had been that I could in some way help people see or understand just how deeply God loves them and what He offers us, but what I have to say pales in comparison with all that has already been said in the history of the Church.

Especially in this format, my challenge is that I can see the words and constantly go back and criticize myself for not sounding differently; for not being worth reading; for being a baby Catholic (though I think by now I'm more of a toddler) and therefore not having thoughts to offer.

On the other hand ... something I frequently tell others (in the context of singing and praying) is that God gave them their voices and delights in them. It seems to me that applies to the written word as well, and I'd like to give this another shot - both because I do have a desire to share my heart (and, God willing, His heart), but also because I want to actually complete something.

Lent seems as good a time as any to take this on. My thinking at the moment is to write / journal / blog daily until Easter, though even as I finish this I'm having doubts if this should instead be an opportunity for a personal prayer journal instead of something public, and if this will be a waste of time (Saint Ignatius's rules for spiritual discernment tell me that is an evil spirit attempting to discourage me).

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On that note, it is currently 10:30pm on Ash Wednesday and it's been a long but beautiful day. Tomorrow night I'll be volunteering overnight at the homeless shelter, which I'm so looking forward too, but I'm also looking forward to catching up on sleep this weekend. I love you all, and I hope you have a holy and healing season of Lent.