On Taking up Space - Lent Journal (3/40)

(I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep from last night's overnight volunteering, so this may be brief / rambling / confused)

Last night we had an incident at the shelter - I'm not getting into the details, but one of the residents ("Bert"*) required medical attention. His friend ("John"*) was especially worried, and asked us to call an ambulance. Everyone is fine, no troubles, and I'm glad we were cautious enough to ask for help. Even more, I'm glad John* told us and asked that we call 911, because we couldn't have handled the situation ourselves.

In any case - John decided to ride to the hospital for support and out of concern. As we were waiting for Bert to be buckled in, John kept telling me - "I'm so sorry for this". I tried to comfort him and reminded him he was doing the right thing, and he had done a good thing by telling us and insisting on caring for his friend.

I've only had the opportunity to really meet John twice in the past, so I know some of his story. The biggest thing I've noticed is he keeps to himself, and doesn't speak up or ask for anything. He's got a good and beautiful heart though - moved in with his parents when they got sick, and cared for them until they both passed.

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I don't exactly know how to segue here, so let me just say - I know all about that apology he offered: the one that says he doesn't think he deserves to take up space. The apology that suggests it is an act of charity even to be tolerated. The apology that comes from a place of pain and trauma, where making noise is met with hostility and rejection.

I also know he's not alone in thinking he isn't good enough. That he needs to earn love. That he doesn't deserve to be cared for.

The world is full of John's silently crying out for love. They carry their wounds around, wounds that they may never show to anyone because they don't think they are worthy of sacrifice and healing.

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Dear John ... you don't have to apologize for existing. You are not in the way. It is good that you are here, and I hope you find people who will affirm that fact. I would be glad to say it to you, to let you see that you are more than worthy of any and every act of kindness, small or great.

You were brought to life for a purpose, and you don't have to shrink. You have physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, and you also have the capacity to meet those needs for others - which is to say, we belong to each other.

My prayer for you tonight is that you sees your worth - that you deserves to occupy the space you inhabits, that you make the world more beautiful simply by existing. I pray also that you will remind those you meet of that truth.

* Not real names