Pierced Sides - Lent Journal (4/40)

I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26)

I know one of the cultural buzzwords is "vulnerability", but nothing is new under the sun, and I suspect the importance of weakness cannot be overstated. I think it is telling that new life comes from the side of Adam. While divine revelation doesn't specify [1], in light of the rest of scripture I have to imagine God gave Adam the choice to freely offer his side - rather than it being compelled or forced on him. This offering of his side led to Eve, which is to say it led to union.

In contrast, one of the first acts of Adam and Eve after the fall was to hide and cover themselves. Once their eyes had been clouded by original sin, the world felt unsafe and everyone - even God and lover - seemed more foe than friend. They feared judgment, punishment, rejection, cruelty, and death.

As do we.

We seek protection and walls because they make us feel secure. We seek control because we don't trust that our needs will be met. We close ourselves off because the alternative is to risk heartbreak. We isolate and insist on our need to stand on our own because what if we fall and nobody is there?

In the process, our hearts become stone.

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When we look at Jesus - especially the Crucifixion - protection, control, and security are not the words that come to mind. Instead, we see a fulfillment of Adam's offering for the sake of his bride. Just as Adam freely exposes himself, so does Christ. Just as Adam's bride is birthed in the process, so is Jesus's Bride - the Church and her Sacramental life.

Jesus demonstrates his total love and devotion to us by His blood being poured out on "the marriage bed of the Cross" [2], and His side being pierced all the way to His Sacred Heart. From this total vulnerability and weakness, flows grace - God's Divine Life - enough to bring life to the whole world.

After the Resurrection, Christ still bears those wounds and shows them to Thomas. He refuses to hide them even after they have been redeemed.

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In the book of Ezekiel, we receive an image of God promising to "remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh". What a breathtakingly beautiful promise - being able to love properly and perfectly!

Here's the catch - I suspect the Jesus's image on the Cross, and especially the spear piercing His side, demonstrate the route of access ... and it's not pleasant. To reach our hearts, we need our own sides to be pierced (metaphorically and spiritually, that is). We need to offer Him the tender, fleshy spots immediately below our ribcage that pain and trauma tell us must always be protected and hidden, no matter what.

To receive the promise, we need to freely offer our own sides to God. We need to be vulnerable and exposed before Him. We're talking ugly, painul, raw, bloody vulnerability - it's not pretty, but Christ has demonstrated that it leads to life. He isn't going to force Himself on us, He loves us too much for that. Instead, He will wait as we continue to strip the layers of defense [3] that keep us safe - but also keep us from growing in holiness and in capacity to love.

What life will grow from the wounds in your own life when you offer them to God?

[1] Personally I am firmly in the camp that reads the creation stories as myth rather than a literal historical lesson; but that doesn't prevent us from speculating about what these characters would have done, and how God would have interacted with them.

[2] Saint Augustine described the Crucifixion this way back in the 4th Century, though it was already understood that way by Saint John in his Gospel. I can't recommend enough reading Brant Pitre's Jesus the Bridegroom: The Greatest Love Story Ever Told.

[3] I'm being cautious with how I describe this. My instinct is to compare stripping layers of defense to stripping layers of clothing, but I worry that would be a painful or triggering image for anyone who has experienced abuse. If it is, I am so sorry and believe me that Our Lord is much too loving and kind to ask that you relive those memories.

On Taking up Space - Lent Journal (3/40)

(I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep from last night's overnight volunteering, so this may be brief / rambling / confused)

Last night we had an incident at the shelter - I'm not getting into the details, but one of the residents ("Bert"*) required medical attention. His friend ("John"*) was especially worried, and asked us to call an ambulance. Everyone is fine, no troubles, and I'm glad we were cautious enough to ask for help. Even more, I'm glad John* told us and asked that we call 911, because we couldn't have handled the situation ourselves.

In any case - John decided to ride to the hospital for support and out of concern. As we were waiting for Bert to be buckled in, John kept telling me - "I'm so sorry for this". I tried to comfort him and reminded him he was doing the right thing, and he had done a good thing by telling us and insisting on caring for his friend.

I've only had the opportunity to really meet John twice in the past, so I know some of his story. The biggest thing I've noticed is he keeps to himself, and doesn't speak up or ask for anything. He's got a good and beautiful heart though - moved in with his parents when they got sick, and cared for them until they both passed.

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I don't exactly know how to segue here, so let me just say - I know all about that apology he offered: the one that says he doesn't think he deserves to take up space. The apology that suggests it is an act of charity even to be tolerated. The apology that comes from a place of pain and trauma, where making noise is met with hostility and rejection.

I also know he's not alone in thinking he isn't good enough. That he needs to earn love. That he doesn't deserve to be cared for.

The world is full of John's silently crying out for love. They carry their wounds around, wounds that they may never show to anyone because they don't think they are worthy of sacrifice and healing.

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Dear John ... you don't have to apologize for existing. You are not in the way. It is good that you are here, and I hope you find people who will affirm that fact. I would be glad to say it to you, to let you see that you are more than worthy of any and every act of kindness, small or great.

You were brought to life for a purpose, and you don't have to shrink. You have physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, and you also have the capacity to meet those needs for others - which is to say, we belong to each other.

My prayer for you tonight is that you sees your worth - that you deserves to occupy the space you inhabits, that you make the world more beautiful simply by existing. I pray also that you will remind those you meet of that truth.

* Not real names

On incomplete goals - Lent Journal (1/40)

When I was growing up I had the hardest time writing papers - I could never get past the first sentence. My Mom will attest that I would sit with a blank sheet of paper for hours, trying to find words for the perfect first words (I still deal with this; I've rewritten this paragraph a dozen times already). Beyond that, I could come up with hundreds of examples from my life of projects and half-formed plans that have been left incomplete.

I've found that my tendency is to want to do something perfectly, realize it won't be, and therefore stop myself because I anything short of that goal is going to be a failure.

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All this to say, that seems to have been the case with this blog as well. My hope had been that I could in some way help people see or understand just how deeply God loves them and what He offers us, but what I have to say pales in comparison with all that has already been said in the history of the Church.

Especially in this format, my challenge is that I can see the words and constantly go back and criticize myself for not sounding differently; for not being worth reading; for being a baby Catholic (though I think by now I'm more of a toddler) and therefore not having thoughts to offer.

On the other hand ... something I frequently tell others (in the context of singing and praying) is that God gave them their voices and delights in them. It seems to me that applies to the written word as well, and I'd like to give this another shot - both because I do have a desire to share my heart (and, God willing, His heart), but also because I want to actually complete something.

Lent seems as good a time as any to take this on. My thinking at the moment is to write / journal / blog daily until Easter, though even as I finish this I'm having doubts if this should instead be an opportunity for a personal prayer journal instead of something public, and if this will be a waste of time (Saint Ignatius's rules for spiritual discernment tell me that is an evil spirit attempting to discourage me).

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On that note, it is currently 10:30pm on Ash Wednesday and it's been a long but beautiful day. Tomorrow night I'll be volunteering overnight at the homeless shelter, which I'm so looking forward too, but I'm also looking forward to catching up on sleep this weekend. I love you all, and I hope you have a holy and healing season of Lent.