On Integration and Detangling - Lent Journal (2/40)

(Preface: much of this I wrote last year in April, but never posted because I wasn't sure what the plan was. I still only have a vague notion of the plan, but that shouldn't stop me from sharing good news)

The year or so before my attempted transition, I was so certain I really had figured out my identity - one I had been hiding and suppressing for years.

I was completely ready to transition, to become Sarah, to push through a few years of awkwardness, and "become myself" (that's certainly the language I would have used at the time, at any rate). The 18 months I was living that reality, I really did experience such a sense of freedom.

When you've been holding your breath, any opportunity to exhale feels like relief.

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I think that certainty made my return to being Scott such a struggle. I was going to be faithful to God's call - to sacrifice and offer myself - but I was so certain it would only be a sacrifice. That life would just be painful, just the cross, just looking forward to eternity.

I had been clinging to the past with the certainty that there were only two possible ways for my life to go:

• Live my former life, as Scott - the life I hated, which was quiet, empty, and based so heavily in my job
• Life the life that could not be, as Sarah - the life I found fulfilling, beautiful, and full of life

That's the thing about grief, isn't it? The Enemy is prepared to pounce on any sign of pain, declaring quite plainly that God doesn't have our best interests in mind, that our own plans were better, and if He has called us to something else there's no way it will be as life-giving as what we are leaving behind.

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I was praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament last year, presenting the two options, when Our Lord stopped me. Who said I'm calling you to live as you were? Who told you I want you to just survive? Don't you realize I've called you to something so much richer and beautiful?

I think it's time I admit - I have no idea where Our Lord is calling me. But it's also time I admit - I trust that it will be beautiful, and will exceed my own previous plans.

In light of that revelation, and discussions with my psychologist, I've been trying to live a more fully-integrated life. Because on the one hand, I am a man and it is not just a rule for me to accept, but is in fact something I can see as good and worthy of gratitude, part of  how God desires to make me a saint. But on the other, there was a lot of truth and goodness to how I was living my life as Sarah - gifts worth carrying forward that are part of how God has made me.

What does that look like? Honestly, still trying to figure that out. Embracing the gifts without bringing along the identity is an adventure, one that involves detangling personality from identity. And a lot of questioning why do I really desire or want to desire this - because I enjoy it, or because I have internalized the false stereotype that "women enjoy this"? If the former, I am free to embrace it; if the latter, I need to be more cautious and question my motives, and whether it will really be good for me.

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I need to head downtown to the shelter, so that's all for tonight. God is good, and he cares for me far better than I deserve - but He says I'm worth loving and dying for, and so are you. I pray that you see yourselves in light of that truth - just how truly good and loved you are - and that you see others through that lens as well.