The past couple nights I've been up later than planned. Part of that has been because of this blog (or rather, because of trying to stick to my commitment). If I'm being totally honest, part of that has been distractions.
Wednesdays I pick my son up from school and we get the afternoon / evening together, before I drop him off at Mom's house at 7pm. We've been doing this every Wednesday the past 4 years, and I love the opportunity for some normalcy in our life. It's been nearly his whole life that he's been doing "Mom's house, Dad's house", so in some sense this is his normal; but I don't think I will ever get used to it.
Looking forward to the future, I don't know exactly what is coming up. My girlfriend and I have hopes as to what direction things are going, but God is still working on healing my self-doubts - both as a father and in whatever other vocation I'm called to. The annulment process was long (more about that another day), but it completed a couple months ago; I'm not married. It's a relief to know there is the possibility of a future as a husband ... I hesitate to even use that type of language, for one because my girlfriend and I aren't there yet and I don't want to put any words in either of our mouths - nor do I want to jinx it.
I worry about my consistency in sticking to plans, and about what life might look like. I've lived on my own most of my adult life, other than the 3 years my ex and I were together (again, this is not a pressing matter; but it seems I will find any opportunity to be anxious about the future). And, there is a certain freedom in being alone. I'd still much rather be with my son every day, of course ... but would I actually be good to live with?
When you're growing up, you have this image that your parents have it all figured out; they have everything put together. When the life you are born into is all you know, you look past the little messes and somehow you just don't see them. Now that I'm older, I see my life and I know there are things I don't take care of that I feel I should be. I'm not nearly as organized as I'd like, and every so often I mess up or fall or just generally fail to care for myself the way I should (e.g., not getting enough sleep from being up too late).
I know I'm hardly unique in these challenges, but I'd like to be better than I am.
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In any case - it's late, and I was just about to start typing about Fr. Jacques Philippe and his book, Finding and Maintaining Peace, and how it relates to my thinking. His basic premise is - if we truly believe God loves us, is in control, and is the source of all goodness (both in the universe and even within me), then the Father allows me to have any failings that I have, for some purpose. He could simply give me the grace to make me perfect in an instant, but He chooses not to do so ... it is up to me to come to peace with this fact, while also still acknowledging my own free choice in those decisions and mistakes I make, repenting, and if necessary confessing them.
As much as I'd love to wrestle with that more tonight, I badly need sleep. So that will have to wait.
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