Tonight we're discussing the question: what am I working for?
Confession: I watch the stats of this blog more closely than I should. My intent is to see how successful it is - whether I'm writing about what is going to help others or make a difference. Especially when I'm putting time into this and occasionally staying up late, it can get discouraging to not see any feedback (or not to see anyone read it at all).
Confession number two: I struggle with a need for affirmation and encouragement. I want to make sure I'm helping others in ways that they truly need, but I also struggle with self-doubt and so am constantly seeking feedback to be sure that I'm doing the right thing.
When I started writing on Facebook a few years ago, I was sharing thoughts and feelings that were on my heart - dealing with divorce and anxiety, parenthood and transitioning, and how God was touching my life and hopefully trying to encourage others to grow in their faith and trust in the Lord (as I am still growing in my own). That has especially been the case since conversion. I've found - as a baby-Catholic, the faith is still so new to me and seeing how the entire picture fits together in a beautiful mosaic is so exciting that I can't help but want to share.
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That was the idea of this blog as well - I was receiving compliments about my writing and so wanted to share more. This Lent was a somewhat spontaneous decision to pick it back up, and I felt the Lord asking me to take on this project of writing daily.
I have a list of posts I'd love to write, and I'm glad for the opportunity to share about the faith every day if possible. The beauty of the faith is that the more you share your love for it, the more you find that you love it.
That being said: There is a great risk in any project (especially one that God is calling you to take on) to make it about ourselves. Having made the initial yes, we assume we are doing God's will and are therefore ... almost immune? to being self-centered. After all, if we are doing God's will, we are on the right track.
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I feel the need to point out that in the above five paragraphs I have used the first-person more than twenty times, while referring to God only six times. Unintended though it may be, I don't think I am unique in finding my desires, my plans, my goals getting wrapped up and potentially even superseding God's will. I make God's plan about me.
I guess what I'm saying is: we need to be asking the right questions. Even within a project that is being pursued for the will of God, we need to check ourselves: where does God fit within this? Am I seeking His will? What inspiration is the Holy Spirit offering?
The risk is that we try so hard to be successful that we neglect faithfulness. We assume pursuing God's will is going to directly lead to some miraculous conversion that we forget He is the one in control and granting the grace of conversion. We lose sight of the purpose of faithfulness: sanctity.
Maybe what He is is asking is intended to work on my sense of self-worth: it should be based solely on God's love for me, rather than finding worth in praise and affirmation. Maybe it's about my need for control. Maybe it's about the importance of time management and not getting distracted. Maybe it's about patience - we don't always receive immediate gratification, and sometimes the seeds are planted years in advance of their bearing fruit.
If I am discouraged because of lack of views, it means I assumed God's plan was for lots of views - which may have never been the point.
Perhaps someone will find some benefit or will be changed for the better; perhaps not. In the end that isn't up to me, and I shouldn't concern myself with what God is trying to do. Instead, I should simply trust: God's will is always good even when I can't see the results, and that is enough.
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