I think I am at least slightly justified in worrying; when I hear him say that he didn't finish his school work until 9-10pm, something isn't working. When it's Thursday afternoon and he hasn't started a few week-long assignments that are due Friday, I get angsty. To be fair, some of this is just on me because I tend to get anxious anytime something happens to him that I have no control over, or when I just don't know what is happening (divorced dad problems - pray for me to simply trust and let go!). We need advice from his teachers, we need resources, we need to sit with him and help him understand the material.
And he keeps saying, "I'm okay". On the one hand I get it, because he wants me to have confidence in him, and he wants to have self-confidence. He is also a not-quite-10-year-old who thinks he knows so much (sometimes he really does), but he doesn't have the mental tools to properly manage time.
In the meantime, I continue to ask that he just let me help - that he call me when he doesn't understand something. I'm okay. Call me when it's taking longer than it should. I'm okay. Call me when he needs computer support. I'm okay. Call me to help figure out what to work on first. I'm okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It occurred to me today while I was trying to walk off my worries: don't we all do the same thing with God? We keep Him at arm's distance, trying to do it on our own. I'm okay, we tell Him as we find ourselves struggling; but we have to do it on our own, because we have to be strong and independent.
Our Father looks down on us as we struggle, doing it the hard way and feeling defeated in the process. He reaches down and offers us a hand, again and again. He takes so many more deep breaths than I ever could, so much more patient than I am as a father. He loves us and compassionately speaks:
My dear child ... I know you think you're okay. But I can see you struggling on your own. You have so much more to learn, and you don't have to learn on your own. I AM here for you, and I want to guide you. You don't have to be strong and independent. You need to let me be the One Who Is Strong.
I know you think you're okay. But just being okay isn't enough - I want you to be great.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But you know, what is amazing about our Father is the way He will respect our boundaries - how He lets us struggle, even as He calls us to let Him in. He will let us have things our way, even while He knows it won't be good for us. He knows that often we come to see we made a mistake through experiencing the consequences of our actions.
At the same time, He also unceasingly points the way out. Every time Israel turned away from The LORD in the Old Testament, God raised up a prophet to warn them - this isn't good for you; come back to me. When Judah turned to foreign nations and their gods to defend them from outside threats, God's word would follow - Turn to me and live; let me help. While I have no doubt that we can ignore the signs, God's love for us is a constant desire that we find the path to salvation.
I don't know how God does it, because it drives me mad. Maybe it's my own lack of trust in God's Providence, or just feeling a need to compensate for not being there enough. Maybe it's my own grasping at that which is God's: the need to be in control and know how things will turn out. I just know that there is a balancing act between how much I let him go it alone and how much I step in to show the way.
In a sense, this is an area in my own life where I'm trying to go it alone, sometimes failing to look to God for answers or strength or peace of heart. I'm a child of the Father too, and I need to let Him help me too. We all do.
No comments:
Post a Comment